Poop

That’s right.  I am writing an entire post about poop.  And believe me, I have plenty of material.  I mean, we all know babies poop a lot.  But no one ever told me that it actually explodes out of the diaper, and that this happens quite often.  I referenced this last week with the explosion in the swim diaper at the hotel pool.  But I really want to make it clear to all of those who are unaware, that this bizarre phenomenon is a part of daily life once you are a parent.  My very first eye-opening experience was when Mav was about three weeks old.  We were both sitting on the couch shirtless for some skin to skin breastfeeding bonding.  All of a sudden, there was a very loud, gurgly, ripping sound, and simultaneously about a quarter of a cup of pudding-like warm poop shot out the side of his diaper onto my stomach.  It then proceeded to slide down into my bellybutton, and then down through my legs to it’s final resting place on the couch.  I was so completely shocked that I remember actually looking around the room for someone to confirm that this had, in fact, just happened.  And furthermore, for some instruction on what the hell am I supposed to do about this?

Okay.  Three things needed cleaning; me, Mav, couch.  Well, couch can wait.  So I carried Mav to the changing table and set him down so that I could strip us both and start a shower.  Before I could do this, I glanced back at the couch to see my little Pomeranian Yoshi, about to feast on the poop puddle.  Nope, couch is now priority number one.  It’s a good thing Mav couldn’t crawl or roll over yet, because I left him on the changing table while I quickly cleaned up the couch just enough so that my dog wouldn’t be interested.  So back to me and Mav.  I stripped us and walked right into the shower holding him.  I figured that was the fastest way.  Later that day when Nate came home from work, I told him the whole story like, “You’re never going to believe this!”  Well, he didn’t believe it, and thought I was completely exaggerating.  Until it happened to him.

So truthfully, poop explosions, (as most moms aptly call it,) will happen about twice a month on average.  However, there will be times when they happen multiple times a week, and even multiple times a day.  And you will go to the doctor to ask about this, because surely, this isn’t normal.  And they will tell you that unless there are other accompanying symptoms, that it IS perfectly normal, and you have a healthy baby.  Crazy.  And the reason we were spared the poop explosion for Mav’s first couple of weeks of life is because when babies are born, for the first week or so, they are still pooping meconium.  Meconium is basically the remaining amniotic fluid that the baby ingested while still in the womb.  The key thing to know is that meconium poop is the consistency of tar.  For real, you have to sandpaper it off of your infant’s butt.  No, mom, you never warned me about this.  How the hell could you have forgotten about these things?

Okay, one more poop story, just for shits and giggles…literally.  I was about six months pregnant with Summerly at the time, and Mav and I had been out running errands all day.  Mav seemed to have an upset stomach all week long, but was especially fussy this afternoon.  He was very gassy, and was screaming and crying in the carseat.  He eventually let out the loudest man fart ever, and seemed relieved.  But I still decided to stop by the urgent care on the way home to be safe.  I pulled Mav out of his carseat and set him on my hip to carry him in, when I felt something thick and wet on my arm.  Yup, big old pile of mud poop.  Well, with my other arm holding Mav, I couldn’t really wipe it off.  So I decided to wipe my arm on the nearest car tire, which wasn’t mine, lmao.

I wasn’t going to stroll into the urgent care to ask for a bathroom while we were both literally covered in feces.  So I popped the trunk of my SUV, and laid him down to change him.  I then realized that I only had three wipes.  Damn.  So I stripped him and cleaned us both up as best I could, and walked into the urgent care with Mav only in a diaper.  You know when you walk in somewhere and the door closes behind you wafting back your smell at you?  Yeah, well we smelled like a sewer.  The lady at the front desk told me that the wait to see the doctor was two hours, and I was like screw this.  We weren’t gonna sit there covered in poop for two hours.  So I went back to the car to load Mav and go home, when I noticed a large mud puddle of poop in the carseat.  AAHHHH!  I have no more wipes or diapers or hazmat gear.  So with a tear in my eye, I took off my Free People cardigan, and laid it on the carseat to cover the puddle, and then buckled Mav in.  Once we got home, it took me about two hours to shower us both, clean my car, and clean the carseat.  Not to mention there were multiple loads of laundry to be done, and my sad Free People cardigan to salvage.

So what I want to be taken from all of this is that whenever anyone says, “#momlife,” this is what we are really talking about.  The down and dirty little secret that it’s the most unglamorous job around, but definitely the most rewarding.  A lot of poop, sweat, and screaming terrorist toddlers, but we are saints for raising these humans who will so appreciate it later.  Like WAY later.  Just keep being patient.

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