So I asked my girlfriend to come over and take some sexy, artistic maternity pics of me. Photography is a hobby of hers, but more importantly, I didn’t feel like getting naked in front of some random photographer and taking directions. In my bitchy, hormonal state, that sounded like a recipe for disaster. So she came over, and we played around with lighting and backdrops and poses. She patiently snapped pictures while I waddled around the house, and had to heave me off of the floor after taking some pictures lying down and sitting. I also frequently pestered her to look out for fat arm, and thigh dimples, while she just rolled her eyes at me. Needless to say, we both had very low expectations for these pictures. She had low expectations because she was clearly underestimating her ability, and I had low expectations because how in the world could I take a sexy and artistically beautiful picture while I feel like an elephant. Well, they turned out amazing, and I really am Knocked Up and Sexy!!!
Here are a few of them.
So this really got me thinking that this must be what Nate sees when he looks at me. See, I’m feeling like Jabba the Hutt over here because I can’t move, I’m sweaty and cranky, and I’m always hungry and spilling food all over my ginormous belly. Blaaahhh. Meanwhile, he can’t get enough of me and my belly. So I’ve heard from most girlfriends that the men pretty much go one of two ways. Either they are a little bit uncomfortable or grossed out by pregnancy, or they are excited by it. Nate is definitely the latter. I always tell him he’s just proud when looking at the manifestation of his manhood, but truly I am so incredibly grateful he feels this way. I used to be more private and embarrassed about my bodily functions, so having Nate be the opposite was really a Godsend. My first pregnancy came as quite a shock when every doctor and their mom want’s to take a good thorough look at your whoohah, and ask you highly personal questions with the same tone of voice as, “Pass the salt.”
One night when I was about 10 weeks pregnant with my first baby, Maverick, I woke up to pee and found that a bunch of blood had come out as well. That’s not a good sign. So we immediately drove to the emergency room, terrified that I was having a miscarriage. When we get there, the front desk lady asks how many pads I would have filled with blood, had I been wearing one. I was baffled because I didn’t really scrutinize the toilet that much. Then Nate whips out his phone and shows her a picture he had taken of the toilet to show the amount of blood, and they both avidly took note.
I was completely mortified. When did he take that picture? I literally had to walk away to recompose myself. Everything turned out fine, and I gave birth seven months later to Maverick. But I look back at this moment and love that Nate had absolutely no shame. Because throughout the rest of my pregnancy with Maverick, and forevermore raising kids, there is no more privacy or modesty. And honestly, I’m happier this way. It’s a relief. For the men who are grossed out, well hopefully you get over it quickly, and hopefully your pregnant wife is like Nate and just doesn’t give a fuck. There needs to be one of those in the relationship. And for the men who think they are hitting the baby’s head during sex, my response is don’t flatter yourself.
Speaking of pregnant sex, it is the best or the worst sex you’ve ever had in your life, and really has nothing to do with what you and your partner are doing. For one thing, your body is changing dramatically and rapidly. It’s like the house is the same, but the furniture is constantly being moved around. So sometimes it feels absolutely amazing, and other times, nothin. For another thing, hormones can either amplify or detract from the mood big time. And for another thing, it’s a logistical nightmare. Try duct taping a large watermelon to your stomach the next time you want to get intimate. Although it has brought out some teamwork and playful problem solving imagination at times, usually it’s just a cluster. Anywho, being knocked up can be sexy at times. But most often it’s just downright humbling.
P.S. Here are a few pics of our adventure to the Ocean Beach Kite Festival with the kids:)